Tributes and Memories
by Ra Sadistic One
Summary: A tribute from a memory stained imagining the crystal glass of days forever lost. ZackxSephiroth. Told from Sephiroth's point of view. Angst. N/C. Shounen-Ai. Lemon. COMPLETE.
1. I'm Only Happy When It Rains

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

It was raining again. That day. You know the one. Not that there weren't many. Of course you know. Why wouldn't you? You were the only one who was ever there. With me. Saving me from myself. Only you. And it's something you did better than I like to admit. Sometimes.

Because the pain is too much. It's far too much for me to bear on my own. But when you were there, everything was always better. Somehow. If only because you were by my side.

But you left me, somewhere along the road. You left me and you found her. Why? Was I not good enough for you? Was she somehow better that I was? To you? Overall? It must have been something. You never left me before. Not once, not ever. It never mattered the reason and you know it. I know you do. It's buried in my heart and if you lied. Well. That would only be one more pain to add to my heart. One to the many that will already never leave.

I couldn't live without you. You always knew it. Long before I did. Long before I knew what I had gotten myself into. Long before I knew anything at all. But it always came back to you. It doesn't matter when. You're there. And you are there with me. For me. Forever at my side.

But forever didn't last very long, did it? Hardly a few years. It all passed in the blink of an eye. Because I had you to keep me company. The years seemed to go on for an eternity, but I would take that eternity over this pain. Too much more of this and I'm sure to break. This time. And you won't be here to catch me. Or save me from myself.

I want to be able to remember those days of old. How they used to be. So perfect in their imperfection. Beautiful in their simplicity. Caring in their complexity. And almost loving in their devotion. Almost. But the pain you caused me, no matter the reasons, will always be there. Staining it upon my heart and my memory. Leaving a scar upon my soul. Because you were too much. Far more than you ever should have been. And no one ever told me to stop.

Certainly, not you.


	2. Tear Drops From The Sky

Tear Drops From The Sky

It's always the days that it was raining. You hated the rain. So much. And I could never figure out why. It was only water, albeit water from the sky. It's a natural phenomenon. It was good for the Planet. It made everything skewed, but no matter how the perception was changed, I always liked it. Because it was different. And it made me see so much more.

But you still always hated the rain. If only to walk in. I don't know why, it was never that bad. Even if it was pouring. Or storming. The rain brought out a beauty in you that was so rare to be seen otherwise, if at all. And did it ever make you beautiful. It enhanced your eyes. The way that the droplets of falling water would reflect in your eyes. The way the water would make them shine with unparalleled emotion. You were always so hidden.

Even from me you would hide. Sometimes especially me. Was it that you were afraid? Was I too close? Or was it that you didn't want to care? Because you cared so much already. And not just for me. Was it that you didn't want to care so much that it could have been something more, something different yet the same?

You knew. You had known for so long. But why did it stop you? It never had before. Was it the fear of finally admitting it to yourself? The realization of everything finally crashing down? Because you always knew. And you always encouraged more. Pulling me along, pushing me along – even if by force sometimes, and even dragging me along behind you. Making sure I was still there with you every step of the way. Together.

Why did it matter only when the fall of the water made tiny rivulets down your cheeks and past your lips. All over your body, soaking your clothes. What changed in the rain that made you so cautious? So far away.

What was it about the rain that caused a spark of _lost_ to well up inside you, causing you to push me away. I know you never hated me, but you didn't like me in those moments either. It was almost as if you were afraid. Not that people shouldn't be afraid of what I can do, but it's different when it's with you. You were never like the rest. You were better. Because you accepted me without judgment. And you never feared.

But the look in your eyes when it would rain, it was so changed from the man I knew. You were cold. Almost spiteful. Sometimes angry. So distant and partially fearful. Because I was there with you. And you knew. In your heart. In your mind. In your soul. You knew you wanted, but you refused to care. In those moments, I lost a little more of myself. Because you were gone.

And in your place, wrath. The ways you would hurt me I cannot even begin to say. But it isn't as if it mattered. Somewhere inside I enjoyed it. If only because it was attention. From you. And somewhere, deep down, you took pleasure from it all. The control you had over me. The pain you would inflict. Because it was me, and you were the only one who ever could. And you always knew it. Even now.

I craved your touch, even if I didn't know. I needed your attention more than anything else on the Planet. I wanted your care and devotion. Not because you were all I had, but because you made me feel like it was okay. That I was good enough. That I wasn't some monster, even if I was. You made me feel. And you reveled in it. And I wanted it back.

Because it was never about the rain. It wasn't even about you. You hated the rain because it brought out a side of you that you were never allowed to show. A part of you that was always suppressed. A part of you that was raw with need and hungry for attention. To be able to become a part of you that existed. It was never about the rain, even though it would release you. It was the only thing that could.

It was all because of me. And when we were in the rain, you could never contain it any longer. And you pushed me away while pulling yourself as far away from the situation and time at hand as you could, so that I could never reach you. Even if that was all you had ever wanted. And all I would ever desire.


	3. Here Comes The Rain Again

Here Comes The Rain Again

I remember it all so clearly. So perfectly. All the little things I shouldn't remember, shouldn't have noticed but I know are there. All those nights that were erased from your thoughts. You were too wasted to care.

Sometimes I would try to find a beginning. When had you become so involved with your drinking habits? When was it that the allure of pills drew you in? When did I cease to matter enough? At one point in time, I was more than drug enough for you. When we were together, it took it all away. It must have stopped some time. You left me. Aerith couldn't save you from your vices, but then, neither could I. You wouldn't let me.

It was raining again that night. I'd like to think that was why it all fell apart. You were gone, lost inside yourself, the shell of who you once were shining through your favorite poisons. If you weren't unstable enough, the rain only drove more from you. There was only a hollow spark in your eyes. You were gone. You left me. And in your place was the mess of a man I had no desire to clean up.

I never had a choice. That night, you proved it once again. The choices were never mine to make. They were never mine to take from. Other people led me around like an overly sophisticated, carefully crafted marionette. You were only another actor in a different scene, but you always seemed to have at least one more string free than I ever had. Maybe that's how you held so much control over me; then again, that was probably planned as well.

I had closed the door. There was never any reason to lock it. You would have picked it anyway. I was curled on my bed, facing away from the door. I had actually been trying to sleep. Rest was always so overrated. But that never mattered to you, did it? I've always just been there for you to take.

The sounds of you removing your clothes were distant. It wasn't reason enough to stir; it was only you. It was only ever you. When you slid yourself carefully in my bed, why should it have mattered? You had done so on so many occasions before. It was comforting. The feel of your body pressed so close against my back, it was a security that I had never been allowed to have. It is also something I have never accepted since.

I didn't notice the chain you attached to my wrists, or that you had already set everything into motion so perfectly. I felt so sluggish, I couldn't move. It was all because I had ever lowered my defenses around you. I would never make the same mistakes again. I could never figure out why you wanted me awake. Did you honestly want me to remember those moments so much? If that's the case, you succeeded. I remember it all in more detail than I'd like.

You smelled of dried sweat and cold clothes. You were drunk and wasted. But somewhere in there, I could feel that you were still more than aware enough of every little thing you did. Your lack of clothing, your cunning, your preparation, my nearing indecent state of undress. I should be impressed by the fact you learned so much just to be able to pull it all off. I am not. You could have been so much better.

Instead, your hands were on me, working to destroy the last bit of hope I had salvaged from you. You didn't even bother to pull my pants farther than my knees. None of it mattered as long as you got what you wanted. You certainly did. Your hands moved over my skin, harshly taking whatever pleasure they could find. You didn't have a single care about what you were doing to me. You didn't think twice about what you were destroying.

Did I always mean so little to you? That you could choose to shamelessly take from me what I would have given freely? If only you asked. Like every other time you had need of anything. If only you had asked. Maybe then you wouldn't have seen fit to shove your way inside my body, seeking pleasure that was not given. Was I not good enough that you had to rape me for any physical pleasure you could get? Was the sex always so meaningless?

None of it matters. You left. All of it was there in my head. Everything was there to pull together. It all fell apart. I felt it more coldly inside my soul when you let yourself slide from my body. It was bittersweet, just like the memories you made, just like your essence as it dripped from my body. You wasted yourself. Spent too soon on things ill gotten. Maybe you wanted your demise.

Or perhaps, you simply wanted to ruin me, like you had so thoroughly ruined yourself. Some would say you did quite well. I would say that you didn't do well enough. When you were gone, all that was left was Mother. In the end, she helped me fix everything. Mother let me see the beauty in the rain, whether it was because of all that you caused, or despite it. Mother washed it all away.

Author's Note: I thought it would go on a bit longer than this. But I like the way it culminates. Perhaps it's anticlimactic, but I like it. I hope the rest of you have as well.


End file.
